I have been struggling with the up and down nature of this spiritual walk I am on. When I am filled with the Lord’s peace and joy I feel as though nothing can touch me and so I forget that this broken pot leaks and I need to keep being filled by the Holy Spirit and so when I loose that peace I stumble around in shock for a while trying to understand where it has gone, why it hasn’t stayed and why I seem to fall so far when just days or even hours before I was full to overflowing with joy. All of a sudden it feels like the lights have been shut off and the Lord seems far away and silent. My heart begins to chill and instead of running back to the source of all peace I allow the bricks to begin being build around my heart.

I don’t know why I do this. I run from Him instead of to Him, depending too much on my emotions to dictate my view of reality on the situation. But then as the cold begins to harden my heart, a memory deep within my heart flickers and cries out desperately for the warmth that it has known so recently and I find myself like a drowning man clawing my way back up to where I can breathe again, feel the warmth of the Son on my face again. And it never ceases to amaze me that He is there, arms open wide, a beautiful smile on His face although each time I can sense the pain behind the smile. The pain that I have not run to Him faster, that I have stopped trusting, that I have forgotten His promises so quickly.

I feel guilty at times when I think how often I seem to fall and doubt. I can see clearly my broken condition and I ache for the place where I will not disappoint my Saviour so often. But then I remember David and the saints of old. All of them fell and forgot the Lord’s promises, all of them questioned and walked their own way. And these are men and women remembered for their faith…and so I have hope. Hope that no matter how bleak the situation, no matter how many times I choose to believe my emotions and circumstances over the Lord’s promises He will never leave me nor forsake me, and not only that but will continue His good work in me until I meet Him face to face.