Labyrinth

I have to laugh softly to myself as I read over my old blogs. The verse "Nothing new under the sun" seems to sum up my life. I seem always to be on a journey somewhere and yet time and again I am faced with similar roadblocks, money, paperwork, uncertainty. I always seem to be somewhere in between goodbye and hello. And yet I never really leave and I never fully arrive. I am in this constant state of waiting. I always seem to be back in my home living off the mercy of my parents and yet the clock keeps ticking and I am a year, 2 years older. I guess the question in my mind is "When will my life begin...I mean really begin not just turn in circles." I feel like I have been walking through a maze only to come up against the same walls time and time again. They are veiled so as to look a little different and yet they are not. Is there a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I am not mastering. The movie Labyrinth was a favorite of mine when I was younger, I watched it over and over. There is a surreal quality to the film that seems to infuse my life as well. Like a dream where all the pieces are legitimate and yet come together in the most bizarre sequence. I have to wonder as I work towards leaving for Thailand again in the near future, will I be back here where I started within the year? When will I get off this circular railroad. Always stopping at the same stations, over and over again. Hmm...just some thoughts ......

I am learning the nature of the story we are all in. Lord of the Rings is one of my favorite movies of all times. The epic nature of the long struggle towards a goal. The seemingly endless roadblocks and disappoinments. The loss of loved ones, partners in the struggle. The bitter path against an unseen powerful enemy that will do anything to thwart the thread we walk in the grander scheme of the tapestry of life. The times of respite that are sweet but so often fleeting. The doubt that creeps in to knaw at the mind...would't it be easier to give up, walk an easier thread...does this journey really mean anything? And yet...the pull is at these times so strong. The calling out of greater purpose; of a pilgrimage only you can make...only you were made for. Yet through it all hope shines brightly like and even' star. Hope banishes the darkness, the doubts. At times we are joined in our journey by others walking the same path and then our paths diverge so we are once again walking it alone. Sometimes it is by chance and others by choice. Sometimes it is to hard to expect others to walk the path we walk... it is not their task to undertake. At first the pace seems easy, the path straight forward with only slight bumps to interfere and yet as you continue to walk the valleys get deeper, the shadows longer with fewer beams of sunlight to light the path. Fewer streams to rest beside. But something in us drives us on, moves us forward. In this epic story we are all called to play a part. I have been learning this last while what my part in the story is and with anticipation look forward to the unfolding of that purpose. It would seem that my pupose right now is to be daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.

Fragile

The razor sharp line between disillusionment and expectation. Holding power to bring life or crushing blows. It opens the doors to the hearts fondest dreams or the blackest void where emptiness and bitterness crouch waiting to spring a surpise attack. Fragile as a bubble caught on the wind, tenacious as a weed in the desert. The feelings it invokes resemble a symphony with all it’s highs to crashing lows or lilting notes or driving beats. And yet disappointed walks alongside like a drowner sucking in for air and yet filled instead with panic of certain death.. Such is the power and path weaved by hope.

by:Michael Jordan Spencer

While I'm Waiting

John Waller

The Blessing
I’m waiting

I’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waitingI will serve You

While I’m waitingI will worship

While I’m waitingI will not faint

I’ll be running the race

Even while I wait

I’m waitingI’m waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I’m waiting on You, Lord

Though it’s not easy, no

But faithfully, I will waitYes, I will wait

And I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waitingI will serve You

While I’m waitingI will worship

While I’m waitingI will not faint

I’ll be running the race

Even while I wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident

I'll be taking every step in obedience, yea
While I’m waitingI will serve You

While I’m waitingI will worship

While I’m waitingI will not faint
I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Today I revisited my childhood and long forgotten memories were brought to the surface bringing with them nostalgic feelings of adventure and exploration. I am looking after a little boy with fragile X syndrome and he has opened up the world of childhood to me once again. When the snow fell heavily leaving the fields around the church property blanketed in snow we trapsed though leaving the first footprints to mar the prestine landscape. We were adventureres discovering what new shapes had been formed by the white drifting snowflakes. Then today we set off across the barren frozen mud and grass to explore an old abandoned house on the church property, we climbed up into an out treehouse that still held remnants of happier days of childrens play and imagination. Leaning up against the old crumbling walls I glimpsed the shiny steel and supple blake leather of a motorbike that offered thrills of its own. We continued our journey back along a river where we though whatever large chunks of frozen snow and dirt we could find to make the biggest splash, across the stream stood 5 lamas that watched us curiously as we trapsed up and down the bank. As we ampled on trying to break through the little spots of snow and ice to hear the crunch and crack beneath our feet we came apon an old bus. Suprisingly the doors gave under a gentle push from the little boy and his eyes lit up with mischief and question. I was just as keen as he was to climb abord and imagine once again riding the bus to and from school. For a long while we just sat pretending to be driver and passanger.

I am able to read his every excitement every interest and every intent. It is all there to see in his actions, in his eyes. He does not speak this little boy but what he communicates is endless. The joy of every little boy to be in the outdoors, explorer and adventurer. As every little boy he takes great delight in throwing rocks into a stream to see how big a splash he can make, his indelible spirit drives him on to wander through an old abandaned property to see what treasures he may unearth. Although I am girl I grew up taking pleasure in much the same kind of activites. Trapsing through the jungle, exploring areas yet unfamiliar and taking much joy in using my imagination to make up stories of imagination and adventure. These are the same memories and emotions that this little boy has sparked in my heart once again.

Life is always uncertain but I think if I look at it this way again I will not be mired down in the pain of not knowing and dissapointment but instead look at every closed and opened door as a new opportunity, and opportunity for adventure, but a higher one. One with far reaching implications. It is an adventure with Christ. If I allow Him to lead me knowing He will never leave me nor allow more than I can bear I know He will open up my eyes to see the bigger adventure the bigger story he is in the process of writing. I know I want to walk beside Him into it, into the unknown future.

Hmmm... Life has an interesting way of suprising you. Just when you feel like you have gotten your feet under you and are starting to feel settled the rug is pulled out from under you and bookshelf comes down on top of you. The best option is to just lie still and wait for the dust to settle. As it does you begin to look around and assess the damage. There is some superficial pain but the real injury is to your faith. Faith that rugs don't just get pulled out from under you, faith that bookshelves are stationary and won't fall over suprisingly. You slowly get up and push away the books, set the bookshelf back up and start to clean up the shards of glass that litter the floor. You start to pick up the books and flip through them. Familiar words start to jump out at you, long forgot memories of stories. Some are humorous some are sad. You sit down and read the words of a long neglected story. Such is my relationship with my Lord and Saviour. Over the last few years He has pulled the rug out more than once. At first I am disoriented, hurt, angry even that the 'bookshelf' has come down. But then as the dust settles and I begin to see past the pain and uncertainty and pick up the pieces He draws my eyes back to the story He is in the process of writing. I have often been walking my own path assuming I new the road ahead when He allows painful experiences to pull down all my assumptions and show me where my heart is at. He then begins to remind me where He has brought me from, what He has brought me through and where He is taking me too. The last few months have been such a time. The bookshelf was a full one and the books fell for a while but now I am remembering the familiar stories of past adventures. All of which the Lord has brought and allowed to bring me once agin to this point. Fully dependant on Him.