Picture if you will a dark stormy wind lashed sea. And a small fishing boat being tossed about on top of the waves like a toy. A man stands in the waves calmly with His hand outstretched grasping onto the hand of another man who has sunk beneath the waves. The last couple of weeks I have been studying “Easy Gospels” in Thai. This story is one of the ones we need to learn and recite. Due to the simplicity of the language it is almost easy just to overlook the depth of the lesson this story about Jesus is trying to get across to us.
Tonight my emotions became like these storm tossed waves and I looked at my circumstances much like Peter looked at the looming waves poised to crash down over his head making his previous faith falter and fear to take over plummeting his body beneath the waves. He had just seconds before been walking calmly on top of those same waves his focus completely centered on his Savior but a moment of allowing his gaze to wander and fear poured into his heart. Until tonight the significance of this imagery and the lesson it has to teach has been lost on me as I have studied these stories. When asked in class what the lesson is I can answer easily as the child in Sunday school raising their hand with all the right answers but when the storm actually hit I was not prepared for the force of the gale and how it would cause my gaze to falter and faith to wane. Instead fear poured in ripping open old wounds and shredding the threads of trust that had already been weaved through previous storms. And when my heart screamed from the pain and blamed my loving Lord for causing my pain a still small voice spoke through the turmoil in my heart revealing the true cause of my anguish. I had taken my eyes off the only One who is able to save. I thought my relationship with Him was firm only to realize that actually for days I had not sought out the company of my Heavenly Father as I had in just resent days gone by. I had allowed other seemingly innocent things to become distractions, minor worries about the future I had allowed to grow in my mind without truly bringing them and surrendering them before the cross. And so now I paid the price as my heart ripped apart and vile puss of fear and unbelief came pouring out…..however something different happened this time. The Lord was not far off and quickly reached into my pain with warm arms ready to embrace and restore faith. In the past I could languish in this pit of despair for days. But as the Lord has continued His beautiful work in my heart those times have become shorter and shorter. I am now able to turn my eyes back to Jesus and allow Him to pull me out with less time wasted wallowing in self pity. My heart is brimming with joy and thanksgiving as once again peace reigns supreme in my heart and my worries and doubts are once again laid down at the feet of the only One big enough to handle them. The One I can trust with all the days that lay ahead.

“Look to Jesus” by Charles H. Spurgeon


“It is always the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus. But Satan’s work is just the opposite; he is constantly trying to make us look at ourselves instead of Christ.

He insinuates, ‘Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you do not have the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.’

All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that Christ is everything.

Remember, therefore, it is not your hold of Christ that saves you– it is Christ; it is not your joy in Christ that saves you– it is Christ; it is not even your faith in Christ, although that is the instrument– it is Christ’s blood and merits.

Therefore, do not look so much to your hand with which you are grasping Christ as to Christ; do not look to your hope but to Jesus, the source of your hope; do not look to your faith, but to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of your faith.

We will never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our deeds, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we are to overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by ‘looking to Jesus.’

Keep your eye simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession be fresh upon your mind. When you waken in the morning look to Him; when you lie down at night look to Him.

Oh! Do not let your hopes or fears come between you and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail you.

‘My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness:
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.’”

–Charles H. Spurgeon, “June 28: Looking to Jesus,” in Morning and Evening, ed. Alistair Begg (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2007), 192.

I have been struggling with the up and down nature of this spiritual walk I am on. When I am filled with the Lord’s peace and joy I feel as though nothing can touch me and so I forget that this broken pot leaks and I need to keep being filled by the Holy Spirit and so when I loose that peace I stumble around in shock for a while trying to understand where it has gone, why it hasn’t stayed and why I seem to fall so far when just days or even hours before I was full to overflowing with joy. All of a sudden it feels like the lights have been shut off and the Lord seems far away and silent. My heart begins to chill and instead of running back to the source of all peace I allow the bricks to begin being build around my heart.

I don’t know why I do this. I run from Him instead of to Him, depending too much on my emotions to dictate my view of reality on the situation. But then as the cold begins to harden my heart, a memory deep within my heart flickers and cries out desperately for the warmth that it has known so recently and I find myself like a drowning man clawing my way back up to where I can breathe again, feel the warmth of the Son on my face again. And it never ceases to amaze me that He is there, arms open wide, a beautiful smile on His face although each time I can sense the pain behind the smile. The pain that I have not run to Him faster, that I have stopped trusting, that I have forgotten His promises so quickly.

I feel guilty at times when I think how often I seem to fall and doubt. I can see clearly my broken condition and I ache for the place where I will not disappoint my Saviour so often. But then I remember David and the saints of old. All of them fell and forgot the Lord’s promises, all of them questioned and walked their own way. And these are men and women remembered for their faith…and so I have hope. Hope that no matter how bleak the situation, no matter how many times I choose to believe my emotions and circumstances over the Lord’s promises He will never leave me nor forsake me, and not only that but will continue His good work in me until I meet Him face to face.

Jem - Keep on Wolking

Keep on Walking Lyrics

The world's got so dark I need
some guidance to see
'cause this pain in my heart is
taking everything from me.

It is true that love makes the
world go round
Please give some love to me
'cause I'm feeling so alone
right now, it's suffocating me.

God give me strength
to keep on walking
God give me strength
to keep on, keep on
God give me strength
to keep on walking
God give me strength
to keep on, keep on

The air's got so thick I find
it hard to breathe
And before have
I felt so desperately in need

I know that I must start listening
to the voice inside of me.
The truth is that when I speak to
you, I hope to speak to me.

God give me strength,
to keep on walking
God give me strength,
to keep on, keep on
God give me strength,
to keep on walking
God give me strength,
to keep on, keep on

Oooh, oooh, my darling
God is you
God is you

God give me strength,
to keep on walking
God give me strength,
to keep on, keep on

God give me strength,
to keep on walking
God give me strength,
to keep on, keep on

God give me strength,
to keep on walking
[God, keep on, keep on giving
me strength]
God give me strength
to keep on, keep on.

God, keep on, keep on giving
me strength.
(repeat)

Nail Scarred Hands

"What is real?" the velveteen rabbit asked the skin horse. The skin horse replied, "Real isn't how you are made, it's a thing that happens to you . When a child loves you a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.

"Sometime," said the skin horse, "but when you are real you don't mind being hurt. It doesn't happen all at once, it takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I've been thinking alot about the trials, we as believers especially, go through in the refining period. I found this little exert from the Velveteen Rabbit to be profound in many ways. The idea that the Lord is working in us to make us real. This goes along with the quote on my facebook profile. "Now with God's help I shall become myself." And it's true, transformation does not happen right away even though we wish the Lord would hurry up sometimes. And yet even Christ had to grow up and be put through the grind of life before He could go to the cross in His final act of submission that cost Him dearly. And yet His heart was that through His blood we also could successfully walk through the "sanctifying" process of life. These last years I have been walking this path of obedience with the Lord because I believed He had called me to Thailand, and always Thailand was the goal. So when I arrived and felt like finally I was in the promised land life would lighten up a bit and the blessing would now pour down and yet I'm realizing there is as much uncertainty in my future in the land the Lord has brought me to as there was getting here. As I look soberly at the future I realize I am a very young girl who has set out on a rather large adventure. The horizon before me is endless and I feel very small. I am here yes, but now I wonder "to do what exactly?" I am thankful that at least for my first 6-9 months I don't need to know what's next just learn Thai, however trusting the Lord to lead me now that I'm here has become no easier that trusting Him to bring me here. I feel instead that what I learned in the valley is now being put into practice in the wilderness. I feel the sting this time of what I have left behind and even at times felt much like the Israelite s coming out of Egypt looking back and saying...we had it good in Egypt...and yet I know that my time at home was difficult. Why is it that the fear of the unknown makes us unable to trust the Lord and fall back in to complacency of what we know even if we don't like it. TRUST......I was just reading the book "Power of Desperation" by Michael Catt and one of the things he wrote made me realize how little I think of my Father's love and ability to take care of me. He gives the illustration that God is the potter and we are the clay and the times that He has to break us down are painful yes but we never have to fear because the hands and feet that push the wheel and shape the clay are nail scarred. How could we ever doubt the intentions of such a God to have the very best for us?

Labyrinth

I have to laugh softly to myself as I read over my old blogs. The verse "Nothing new under the sun" seems to sum up my life. I seem always to be on a journey somewhere and yet time and again I am faced with similar roadblocks, money, paperwork, uncertainty. I always seem to be somewhere in between goodbye and hello. And yet I never really leave and I never fully arrive. I am in this constant state of waiting. I always seem to be back in my home living off the mercy of my parents and yet the clock keeps ticking and I am a year, 2 years older. I guess the question in my mind is "When will my life begin...I mean really begin not just turn in circles." I feel like I have been walking through a maze only to come up against the same walls time and time again. They are veiled so as to look a little different and yet they are not. Is there a lesson I am supposed to be learning that I am not mastering. The movie Labyrinth was a favorite of mine when I was younger, I watched it over and over. There is a surreal quality to the film that seems to infuse my life as well. Like a dream where all the pieces are legitimate and yet come together in the most bizarre sequence. I have to wonder as I work towards leaving for Thailand again in the near future, will I be back here where I started within the year? When will I get off this circular railroad. Always stopping at the same stations, over and over again. Hmm...just some thoughts ......